All posts by Chad Robert Parker

“Schnauser welcomes bloodlines” by Ray (Spanish Fork, UT)

January 19, 2015Quirky PetsChad Robert Parker

Each time one of our sons comes through the front door our dog gives this huge welcome home. She runs around whimpering and whining, jumping on the furniture, stopping by them to get a recognition pat on the head then runs another circle demonstrating her excitement. When she really gets excited she will even stop for a moment and give them a bark. This carries on for about a minute. We thought at first it was just excitement for the individual but soon she started even doing it for sons which only show up about twice a year. Then she started doing it for all the grand kids both boys and girls.

Since dogs are pack animals we think she is welcoming home her pack. She also quickly puts them in pack order and snubs the ones she feels are beneath her status. How she established the status we do not know but she has developed a distinct pecking order.

She does get excited to see most of our friends but as the saying goes, “blood is thicker than water”, or so it seems with our dog. She certainly seems to understand bloodlines.

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“Cast Away” by anecdoting.com

January 19, 2015Broken BonesChad Robert Parker

Editor’s Example:

Grandma and grandpa were babysitting when I broke my arm as a two year old. We had a metal stool with two steps. I climbed to the top to show them my best superman spin, yelling “up, up, and away.” Then I jumped up and spiraled downward from one platform to the next with a loud whack.

I did not fuss for too long, or complain much that night, because I wanted to be tough. The next day I could not raise my glass of milk at the breakfast table. That’s when my mom noticed the red line of a clear break.

The doctor actually did not believe the grandma and grandpa story. He attempted to put my arm back in socket while accusing my parents over and over of possible abuse. I winced with every jolt of my arm. Finally he realized that the “really active” two year old story was not a lie.

I remember my favorite part of the cast experience was getting signatures on my little cast. Someone even drew Bert and Ernie. My least favorite remembrance was trying to sleep with that obstruction knocking me in the head every time I tried to roll over.

It brought new meaning to the words, “terrible twos,” but I was ready to run, play, climb, and jump off more things soon enough.

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“Flight of the Flatulator” by Sean (Orem, UT)

January 19, 2015Quirky PetsChad Robert Parker

When we moved from Indiana to California, it was highly debated whether to bring our 16 year old tabby cat for the flight or leave him to live out the rest of his days on a large property with friends. I contended that he should be with family as this cat had known me my whole life. Since we figured he’d probably go off looking for us, and wouldn’t last a week in his condition in the wild, we decided it best to bring him with us.

Concerning his condition, you’d think Kibbles had a parasite, because everything he ate seemed to convert to diarrhea, but he was just really, really old. Kibbles was skinny and stunk… bad. As one would imagine, a cross country flight, would be quite the undertaking. We took every precaution—not feeding him after noon the day before, lining his carrier with potty training pads for dogs—and hoped for the best.

The ticketing and layovers forced dad to fly non-stop and mom and I to catch a layover in St. Louis (to this day mom and I believe this was planned).

All seemed well until about 15 minutes before we landed in LA. Kibbles had to GO and NOTHING was stopping him. Fortunately his carrier looked like a duffel bag, so most of the other passengers had no idea where the smell was coming from. The putrid odor quickly permeated the whole cabin and engulfed everyone with the fury of Kibbles’ bowels.

Everyone (myself included) was trying to hold their breath and take short gulps of air. After what seemed like ages we pulled up to the gate; it was probably the fastest I’ve ever seen a plane unload. Kibbles passed away about 6 months later but maybe we should’ve left him in Indiana.

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“Would you like some pee with that?” by Alison (Richland, WA)

January 16, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

My disclaimer is that I was young: in first grade I think. It was my turn to help serve food in the cafeteria so I was stationed on a stool with a serving spoon behind the food and the plastic barriers. I was a serious child in some ways and didn’t want to neglect my duty so when I felt the urge to find the bathroom but I knew another class was due in the lunchroom any moment, I stayed. I stayed until the bitter end when the bathroom was then only necessary for hiding instead of using the facilities. I don’t remember anyone mentioning it to me though, except the sweet lunch lady who told me that next time I should just take care of business promptly. Many years later, after I was married, my older sister told me she heard my embarrassing moment from the mouth of the lunch lady herself. Apparently I left a lasting impression.

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“Grandpa Days” by Frederic (Clarksville, IN)

January 16, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

On “Grandpa Days” I have several children to visit with. One day I told the group that it was Emilia’s (4) turn to offer the prayer on the food. Eli (3) prefers to do it himself since he can finish within 15 seconds and begin eating before the others have their eyes open. Emilia asked blessings on everyone – all her cousins and her relatives stateside and in Mexico – by name – her departed great-great grandmother Emilia “who died and is in Heaven with You and with Jesus, and who has my name . . .”

I believe she may have even asked a blessing on the food, though I was into her genealogical resume to such an extent that I really don’t remember for sure.

As we drove Emilia and her little brother Levi home, Emilia began asking questions in Spanish: “Grandpa, why is it that sometimes you don’t understand me when I speak to you in Spanish, and sometimes you don’t understand me when I speak to you in English either?
Not wanting to admit that my vocabulary doesn’t necessarily include all her vocabulary, I responded, “Because my ears are so old.”
“Is your nose old too?”
“Yes.”
“Are your eyes old too?”
“Yes, that is why I wear glasses. All my parts are old.” (I was laughing so hard under my breath that it was hard to respond.)
“I know some other people that are old: My Grandma Celia is old, and My Grandpa Rojelio is old, and my Great Grandma Crecencia is old and my Great Great Grandma Emilia who died and is in heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus, and who has my same name is old, and your mother and father that died are old. But my silly Uncle Rojelio is not old like you . . .”
I was now laughing so hard it was difficult to translate all this to English for my wife Patti, who was driving.I have Emilia pegged as the next genealogist for the Fred and Pat Romney clan.

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“Momma Bird” by anecdoting.com

January 14, 2015Quirky PetsChad Robert Parker

Editor’s Example:

Rico was a quirky pet parrot. While it is common for a male parrot to compete with other males in proximity, Rico did love his owner, my dad—at least at first. It wasn’t until my dad’s roommates in college tormented the bird that Rico really turned against men. Rico was potty trained and would fly back to his cage, but the roommates would block his flight path. They became more and more amused by their coordinated efforts to succeed, unfortunately breaking the bird’s training. But you see, Parrots have a good memory. Not only can some use it to speak a handful of words and phrases, but in this case to tease the offspring of his owner, and get revenge.

My parents had all boys: six to be exact. As soon as our voices changed Rico saw his opportunity. No longer could you pet Rico without him snapping at you. One of my brothers spoke like a girl whenever he was around Rico. One of my uncles told us the bird tricked him into petting him and then after a second try proclaimed, “that dumb bird bit me.” Fool me once?

Well Rico had another trick. My favorite! When we came home from school we would often yell, “mom, where are you?” When she wasn’t home Rico would answer. “In here.” And then you would go back and forth through the two entrances of the laundry room, shouting for mom and receiving the perfectly mimicked reply. Sometimes you didn’t catch on until you heard the distinct laugh of the parrot. Of course, pride takes over; rather than telling your brothers how you just got pranked by a bird, it’s more fun to wait, watch, and laugh when it happens to your brother who imitates a girl’s voice.

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“Potty Language” by Crystal (Bountiful, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

Many years ago I served a mission for my church in South Korea. I had to slowly and painstakingly learn Korean to the best I could to best help serve the people there. Before the big voyage overseas I went to a training center for 12 weeks to try to learn the what I could in that time and then I was off; which basically means I could say some broken things such as “May I use the bathroom?” or “Heavenly Father loves you.” You get the point.

Well it was with this vast knowledge that I had that I ventured out into the world of Korea. I had a sweet Korean companion and within the first few weeks of being there we had been invited over to eat dinner with a nice family. They lived in a relatively small apartment with two bedrooms and one common area with a kitchen. It happened that in my time being there I was able to use one of those handy dandy aforementioned phrases and off to the bathroom I went. The wife followed me close behind and to my surprise introduced me to my first bidet. The thing is before this very moment I had never once seen or heard of such a thing. I remember thinking, “Wow, what a fancy, technical toilet,” as it was electronic. She proceeds to point to the different buttons and tell me what they are…Now I can say things, but understanding anything was pretty foreign at that point. I assumed she was showing me how to flush this fancy contraption. Well, I finish my business, get everything readjusted, and press the button. To my shock, a little nob emerges from the back of the toilet and starts squirting water, quite forcibly, all over the bathroom door. The door that is right next to where everyone is sitting! I was too stunned to do anything but watch it happen..and partly disgusted too..I didn’t know what that was, I mean I had a good guess at that point. And I most definitely didn’t know how I would explain myself. I grabbed a towel, which was minuscule, and cleaned it all up the best that I could. Luckily, they all kind of figured out what happened and accepted my apology, which I was able to say.

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“That’s Not A Tree!” by Ray (Spanish Fork, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

When we moved to Indiana we were renting while our home was being built. We would often visit the construction site. We did not have a bathroom there yet, so being a good dad I taught my boys to relieve themselves as needed, behind trees. The only problem was when my youngest boy peed on the back of the baseball field’s backstop in front of the whole crowd during a live game. Yup, right in front of most of the new small town we were just barely getting acquainted with. I swiftly ran down, pulled his pants up, and then promptly brought him back to the stands, explaining, “hasn’t anyone taught you where the bathroom is?” I handed him to his mother stating very clearly, “hey woman, here’s your kid.” And then, to uproarious laughter, I walked to the other end of the bleachers.

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“Fast Getaway” by Robyn (Spanish Fork, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

One day, while gassing the automobile at the local gas station, my most embarrassing moment occurred. Note the description local, which makes this moment even more embarrassing. At the time we lived in a small town of maybe 8,000; and that would be counting the farmers. Everyone knows everyone and everything that goes on. Added to the fact that my youngest, which was almost the age to get his driver’s license was with me. Yes, I dd. I drove away with the gas hose still attached to my gas tank. WHOOPS! My son noticed immediately, or I would have ended up home with it. The owner wouldn’t allow me to pay for reconnecting and tried to make me feel better by saying that it happens all the time. NOT TO ME!!!

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“Quality Check” by Ray (Spanish Fork, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

I once worked in a manufacturing plant which was to be awarded a prestigious “Quality” award by a major company to which we supplied product. The presentation, by two company vice presidents from this “Fortune 500 Company”, was to happen in a section of our plants warehouse and was to include the plant management and manufacturing employees. To make it seem more like a meeting room and not like a warehouse we cleared the product out of an area and put up a huge banner on the wall with both companies logos and names along with the name of the “Quality Award”. We brought in a rostrum complete with a microphone, and speakers, and chairs for the employees to sit on.

The banner arrived about an hour before the visiting companies dignitaries and was quickly hung on the wall. Standing back to admire our work we suddenly noticed to our amazement the supplier of the 15 foot by 30 foot banner had mispelled quality. The whole purpose of the meeting was about our excellent quality and it apeared we couldn’t even spell it. Luckily the supplier of the banner was still in the building and able to pull off the “ila” and reposition it to read “ali”.

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