Category Archives: All Ages

“Scent of a Man” by Chad Robert Parker

February 23, 2015Sense of Smelldate, date night, dinner and a movie, fart story, passing gasChad Robert Parker

A typical date is dinner and a movie. A cousin of mine once gave me some advice about the downside to that. He told me, “never take a ‘cute date’ to a Mexican restaurant.” After dinner, he was feeling great pain from the rotten air in his stomach. He kept it in all through the movie.

Like a gentleman he opened the door for his date and let her in. Then he figured he had his chance. He discreetly let the gas out and fanned his backside as he slowly crept around the car to the driver’s side. When it seemed safe he got in the car. Then he smelled the most awful scent. Naturally, he thought it was her. “Was that you?” He blurted out rather pointedly.

Figuring the Mexican food had caused her the same problem, he thought they could both laugh at their shared fiasco. Boy was he dead wrong. The smell had followed him into the car. She thought him rude. I suppose he figured one thing right. He was probably dead to her now. If a girl doesn’t talk to you the entire ride home, you probably aren’t getting another date. He didn’t tempt asking for one.

Share this:

“Fish Jam ala Gross” by anecdoting.com

January 27, 2015Exotic FoodChad Robert Parker

Editor’s Example:

I tried a lot of exotic fruits during my 2 years living around the island of Cebu, in the Philippines. Tropical fruits are yummy! Rambutan, anyone? How about mangoes? You won’t find better! But this story is not about those. I shudder to think if I tried dog meat, knowing that would not be uncommon, but I did not always ask what type of meat I was eating. I could tell you about trying chicken feet, Buwad (dried fish hanging out on clothes lines and later boiled in grease), and Ostrich eggs. Those are interesting! But this story is not about those, either. None of those had a lasting impact on me.

I could tell you about Balut (an unburied egg with a duck embryo developing inside that is then boiled and sucked out like a soup, only it is crunchy at this point with feathers and beak intact), but in truth I could not stomach trying that one, since I did not have to, and I did not bother to.

I will just tell you about Ginamos (a sort of raw fish jam), at least as it is called that in the Visayan region. It is a fish sauce with lots of salt and is left sitting around in its juices for days on end. Some call it a fish paste because it gets all slimy, and sometimes more viscous, when broken down, and then actually takes on a gray color like a cement mixture. It’s not so bad on day one, but in my many visits to a friend’s home, and my desire not too offend, I felt awful sick by the third day in a row.

Chalk it up to my weak American stomach, or whatever, but I think I was throwing-up for a week.

Share this:

“Would you like some pee with that?” by Alison (Richland, WA)

January 16, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

My disclaimer is that I was young: in first grade I think. It was my turn to help serve food in the cafeteria so I was stationed on a stool with a serving spoon behind the food and the plastic barriers. I was a serious child in some ways and didn’t want to neglect my duty so when I felt the urge to find the bathroom but I knew another class was due in the lunchroom any moment, I stayed. I stayed until the bitter end when the bathroom was then only necessary for hiding instead of using the facilities. I don’t remember anyone mentioning it to me though, except the sweet lunch lady who told me that next time I should just take care of business promptly. Many years later, after I was married, my older sister told me she heard my embarrassing moment from the mouth of the lunch lady herself. Apparently I left a lasting impression.

Share this:

“Grandpa Days” by Frederic (Clarksville, IN)

January 16, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

On “Grandpa Days” I have several children to visit with. One day I told the group that it was Emilia’s (4) turn to offer the prayer on the food. Eli (3) prefers to do it himself since he can finish within 15 seconds and begin eating before the others have their eyes open. Emilia asked blessings on everyone – all her cousins and her relatives stateside and in Mexico – by name – her departed great-great grandmother Emilia “who died and is in Heaven with You and with Jesus, and who has my name . . .”

I believe she may have even asked a blessing on the food, though I was into her genealogical resume to such an extent that I really don’t remember for sure.

As we drove Emilia and her little brother Levi home, Emilia began asking questions in Spanish: “Grandpa, why is it that sometimes you don’t understand me when I speak to you in Spanish, and sometimes you don’t understand me when I speak to you in English either?
Not wanting to admit that my vocabulary doesn’t necessarily include all her vocabulary, I responded, “Because my ears are so old.”
“Is your nose old too?”
“Yes.”
“Are your eyes old too?”
“Yes, that is why I wear glasses. All my parts are old.” (I was laughing so hard under my breath that it was hard to respond.)
“I know some other people that are old: My Grandma Celia is old, and My Grandpa Rojelio is old, and my Great Grandma Crecencia is old and my Great Great Grandma Emilia who died and is in heaven with Heavenly Father and Jesus, and who has my same name is old, and your mother and father that died are old. But my silly Uncle Rojelio is not old like you . . .”
I was now laughing so hard it was difficult to translate all this to English for my wife Patti, who was driving.I have Emilia pegged as the next genealogist for the Fred and Pat Romney clan.

Share this:

“Potty Language” by Crystal (Bountiful, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

Many years ago I served a mission for my church in South Korea. I had to slowly and painstakingly learn Korean to the best I could to best help serve the people there. Before the big voyage overseas I went to a training center for 12 weeks to try to learn the what I could in that time and then I was off; which basically means I could say some broken things such as “May I use the bathroom?” or “Heavenly Father loves you.” You get the point.

Well it was with this vast knowledge that I had that I ventured out into the world of Korea. I had a sweet Korean companion and within the first few weeks of being there we had been invited over to eat dinner with a nice family. They lived in a relatively small apartment with two bedrooms and one common area with a kitchen. It happened that in my time being there I was able to use one of those handy dandy aforementioned phrases and off to the bathroom I went. The wife followed me close behind and to my surprise introduced me to my first bidet. The thing is before this very moment I had never once seen or heard of such a thing. I remember thinking, “Wow, what a fancy, technical toilet,” as it was electronic. She proceeds to point to the different buttons and tell me what they are…Now I can say things, but understanding anything was pretty foreign at that point. I assumed she was showing me how to flush this fancy contraption. Well, I finish my business, get everything readjusted, and press the button. To my shock, a little nob emerges from the back of the toilet and starts squirting water, quite forcibly, all over the bathroom door. The door that is right next to where everyone is sitting! I was too stunned to do anything but watch it happen..and partly disgusted too..I didn’t know what that was, I mean I had a good guess at that point. And I most definitely didn’t know how I would explain myself. I grabbed a towel, which was minuscule, and cleaned it all up the best that I could. Luckily, they all kind of figured out what happened and accepted my apology, which I was able to say.

Share this:

“That’s Not A Tree!” by Ray (Spanish Fork, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

When we moved to Indiana we were renting while our home was being built. We would often visit the construction site. We did not have a bathroom there yet, so being a good dad I taught my boys to relieve themselves as needed, behind trees. The only problem was when my youngest boy peed on the back of the baseball field’s backstop in front of the whole crowd during a live game. Yup, right in front of most of the new small town we were just barely getting acquainted with. I swiftly ran down, pulled his pants up, and then promptly brought him back to the stands, explaining, “hasn’t anyone taught you where the bathroom is?” I handed him to his mother stating very clearly, “hey woman, here’s your kid.” And then, to uproarious laughter, I walked to the other end of the bleachers.

Share this:

“Fast Getaway” by Robyn (Spanish Fork, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

One day, while gassing the automobile at the local gas station, my most embarrassing moment occurred. Note the description local, which makes this moment even more embarrassing. At the time we lived in a small town of maybe 8,000; and that would be counting the farmers. Everyone knows everyone and everything that goes on. Added to the fact that my youngest, which was almost the age to get his driver’s license was with me. Yes, I dd. I drove away with the gas hose still attached to my gas tank. WHOOPS! My son noticed immediately, or I would have ended up home with it. The owner wouldn’t allow me to pay for reconnecting and tried to make me feel better by saying that it happens all the time. NOT TO ME!!!

Share this:

“Quality Check” by Ray (Spanish Fork, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

I once worked in a manufacturing plant which was to be awarded a prestigious “Quality” award by a major company to which we supplied product. The presentation, by two company vice presidents from this “Fortune 500 Company”, was to happen in a section of our plants warehouse and was to include the plant management and manufacturing employees. To make it seem more like a meeting room and not like a warehouse we cleared the product out of an area and put up a huge banner on the wall with both companies logos and names along with the name of the “Quality Award”. We brought in a rostrum complete with a microphone, and speakers, and chairs for the employees to sit on.

The banner arrived about an hour before the visiting companies dignitaries and was quickly hung on the wall. Standing back to admire our work we suddenly noticed to our amazement the supplier of the 15 foot by 30 foot banner had mispelled quality. The whole purpose of the meeting was about our excellent quality and it apeared we couldn’t even spell it. Luckily the supplier of the banner was still in the building and able to pull off the “ila” and reposition it to read “ali”.

Share this:

“No Repeat Customer” by Crystal (Bountiful, Utah)

January 12, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

During high school, I worked at a small family owned dry cleaner. Most everyone who worked the counter were female high school students and being such we were called the “counter girls.” The counter girls dealt with customers, checked in the cloths, and ran the tills. Like most dry cleaners, they had a drive up with a sliding glass door and there were usually at least two working at a time. So if there was more than one person at the drive up we could go out to help the next car while the first was also being helped. We also keep the sliding glass door shut as much as possible.

Well this one afternoon a gentleman pulled up to the sliding door and he got out and came inside to be helped. But being that there had also been other customers my fellow counter girl had been in and out and had shut it behind her the last time she had come in. The poor, unsuspecting man turned to leave and full on walked in the glass door and I swear to you that that door bulged out a bit he hit it so hard. We could not contain ourselves. We were laughing so hard and could barely muster an “Are you okay?” Not only that, but he also had left like a 5 inch face grease mark on the door! The girl that I was working with and I decided to leave the smudge there to see how long it would take for someone to notice and wipe it off. Unfortunately I think the routine glass cleaning got to it before it lasted too long. But needless to say, we no longer saw him again, but we often would see his wife.

Share this:

“Orientation” by anecdoting.com

January 5, 2015Embarrassing Moment(s)Chad Robert Parker

Editor’s Example:

With great anticipation and lots of nerves, students from a few grade schools combined to see the layout of new stomping grounds: the much larger Metcalf Junior High in Burnsville, Minnesota. But the talk of the day centered on learning how to use combination lockers.

Naturally, not-so-mature middle schoolers were testing if they could fit inside; smartly they would puff up like a blowfish and act like there was no way possible: the biggest fear of the skinny “diary of a wimpy kid” type being that a bully might stuff you in a locker at some point in the year. I should have used that tactic. Continue reading “Orientation” by anecdoting.com →

Share this: